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Friday, July 26, 2013

Struggles...

The past 2 days have been miserable, literally wondering how much much more I can take. My body aches, not ache but is in so much pain it hurts to even move. I've been grumpy, irritable, hateful. I've been reading in a book that I'm supposed to find some gratitude in having a breast cancer diagnosis. So today I have to say I'm thankful or my husband, Alan. He is the strongest most loving man I know. He has taken care of me not only through this but through me having a stroke. I watch the pain and sadness in his eyes when I can hardly move, when I'm ready to give up. He is my biggest cheerleader, he told me tonight he loves me to much for me to quit. I know I'm not going to quit and give in to cancer. I want to be here for a long time to spend with him, and the kids and the grand kids and the family that does love me. I hate the way I look now, no hair, pale, fat, bloated. I am grateful that I can get ready quickly now. I do hate all the stares you receive when your finally feel well enough to go out. Then you get the pity stares, but I'am grateful for those that come up and give me their breast cancer story and it reminds me that this isn't going to be forever. I have 2 more chemo treatments 2!!!! That is something to look forward to. I'am looking forward to eating a spinach salad. I'am looking forward to going someplace warm and beautiful when I'm done. I think I have deserved it. Maybe a trip to Mexico, or Hawaii. Who knows. But right now I got 44 days till my last chemo!
Saturday, July 6, 2013

Self Pity...

I wonder how much more poison I can take? The days are getting longer, my body at times feels like it is shutting down. My mind is cloudy, there is a black cloud hovering over me daily. Life feels like it is passing me by. I've had 3 treatments now. This past week I was in the hospital with shortness of breath, looking for a blood clot. All turned out ok. Even with the 15% lower dose it doesn't matter. It still is just as strong. I laid in bed in pure agony this week. My insides feeling like they were getting knifed from every direction imaginable. My bones hurt so bad every little move you could hear a snap, pop. I'm just waiting for something to break or me fall. I'm surprised I haven't fallen. I've been in and out of the tub this week probably at least 30 times looking for a short relief. What the chemo, nuelesta shot does to your bones, the only relief I found was sitting pretty much in a hot, hot tub. Pain killers don't even touch the pain. I'm getting more and more depressed, as the days go by. I see my husband trying his hardest to get me through this but I know it's breaking his heart seeing me in pain like this. he always says what can I do? He's already doing everything. I don't know how he does it. I hope and pray I never have to go through this with any of my love ones because just knowing this pain now I don't even want to think of it. I've got a countdown to my last treatment not counting radiation. The number says 58 today. It sure can't come soon enough. It's been a long journey already. Back in February hearing those words mass-breast cancer-lumpectomy-surgery. One day this journey will be over, and I will be back among the living. I do know one thing I'm forever changed by this and still hope to help others one day