Saturday, July 6, 2013

Self Pity...

I wonder how much more poison I can take? The days are getting longer, my body at times feels like it is shutting down. My mind is cloudy, there is a black cloud hovering over me daily. Life feels like it is passing me by. I've had 3 treatments now. This past week I was in the hospital with shortness of breath, looking for a blood clot. All turned out ok. Even with the 15% lower dose it doesn't matter. It still is just as strong. I laid in bed in pure agony this week. My insides feeling like they were getting knifed from every direction imaginable. My bones hurt so bad every little move you could hear a snap, pop. I'm just waiting for something to break or me fall. I'm surprised I haven't fallen. I've been in and out of the tub this week probably at least 30 times looking for a short relief. What the chemo, nuelesta shot does to your bones, the only relief I found was sitting pretty much in a hot, hot tub. Pain killers don't even touch the pain. I'm getting more and more depressed, as the days go by. I see my husband trying his hardest to get me through this but I know it's breaking his heart seeing me in pain like this. he always says what can I do? He's already doing everything. I don't know how he does it. I hope and pray I never have to go through this with any of my love ones because just knowing this pain now I don't even want to think of it. I've got a countdown to my last treatment not counting radiation. The number says 58 today. It sure can't come soon enough. It's been a long journey already. Back in February hearing those words mass-breast cancer-lumpectomy-surgery. One day this journey will be over, and I will be back among the living. I do know one thing I'm forever changed by this and still hope to help others one day


  1. I am so sorry this is such a painful journey. I hope and pray the end of your treatments come soon so you don't have to keep going through this. Your husband sounds like a gem and your support from family is priceless. Thank you for sharing your journey, I hope that it helps others that are going through this too.