Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Doctors. Doctors. Doctors...

When will it end. Well now it seems like I've got about a year till I might be back to my old self.   Early this morning Alan and I ventured to the big city again Cleveland to meet with my Dr. Dietz my surgeon and to get my path results. I also had a appointment with a radiation Dr. and a chemotherapy Dr.

Of course for some unknown reason we get to the crile building we are actually early. The Dails early!  Never!  Alan dropped me off and I waited for him as it was raining outside.  ( have I ever said how I hate the rain ugh I do ).   While sitting there I get a call, Alan tells me we are at the wrong building. The right one is 10 mins away!  So this means I'm going to be about 15 mins late for my first appointment.  I'm so mad at him I could spit nails.  I make him call and tell them they said it was ok it would be fine. Thank goodness.

We arrive late of course, to my first appointment it's the radiation.   They go over everything that needs to be done and all. I'm ok with this because I was already expecting this.  I had to deal with a intern who was trying very hard.  I was thankful when Dr. Obi came in.  She was great of course. We talked about me doing my radiation here in Wooster and she said that would be ok.  She also gave us a print out of my report which was good to see that.

Next I see Dr. Dietz who I love!  She is thrilled with my results.  The duct was negative, the surrounding tissue was negative, lymph nodes were negative,  I'm thrilled. The tumor was larger than they thought  originally mine is 2.2 which automatically put me at a Stage 2A which means tumor over 2.0 but not in the lymph nodes.  My grade was a 3 which puts the cancer at a aggressive form.  So she said because of the tumor size and grade and age my chemo dr would likely recommend chemo and
offer a clinical trial and then hormone therapy for 5-10 years.  She checked my breasts from surgery said they are healing well. I have at least 3 more weeks of healing and a couple months of swelling at least.  I will be so glad when they are healed they are quite sore still but now starting to actually look like boobs again.   She gave me a hug and told me she would see me in 6 months then would be moving into the survorship club yippe!

Then up to see my chemo dr.  I'm dreading this. I was crying about this the night before. After seeing my aunt go through chemo it scares me so much. But I have to do it.  I want to see my kids grow.  I want to grow old with my husband.   Anyhoo,  I meet with my Dr. He's young very very nice, and starts to explain everything. A first I drift looking at him.  I can see him talking to me but I'm not listening to anything he's saying. He's writing down stuff on the paper and words come in every now and again flowing in and out of my ears like waves come crashing in hitting the sand. He turns the page and says this is why I recommend you having chemotherapy.  I still wasn't sure at this point I was going to get it. Then my heart sank. He tells me about the clinical trials.

There are 2 drug combos they are doing. If I do this of course I won't get a choice in which one. One of the combos he tells me has a small chance of developing the cancer that Robin Roberts has now.  My first thought is I want to help others so I want to do it. He gives me paper work to look over.   I've got a couple more weeks to decide and talk it over with Alan and the kids. But my heart is pulling me in the direction of if they can find better treatment options then its my duty to do it.  So my next tasks will be buying a wig that is made to look like my hair because my hair will fall out. I will be bald for a long time.  I wonder if I should just shave it first because I don't want to be traumatized by it falling out.  Should I take charge of it myself?  Ummm big decision.

  I need to make plans for help for Cody's grad party,  Olivia's sweet sixteen party,  We have to reschedule our Disney cruise in October to next Spring, find someone to take a nice family portrait of us all while I still have hair, get our new cleaner started.  I have no idea what else I need to do right now I'm still recovering from breast surgery so when I'm all recovered I need to make up meals and put in the freezer so the kids can just pop them out and put them in the microwave so they aren't eating junk all the time.

It's been a long day, actually a long week.  I can be honest and say I'm scared to death more scared now then having the surgery.  I'm scared of the nausea, the mouth sores, the baldness, will I be the same person?  Will my family love me the same?  Will my husband love me the same way?  It's going to be a hard time for them.  I worry about my kids seeing me "sick"  Actually this "sick" is going to make me get all better and rid the cancer free forever.  This is what I have to believe.

My odds are good real good.  So many don't have good odds.  I'm sorry for them.  But when you have Breast Cancer your part of the group now.  I need to talk to someone.  I just can't bring myself to do it yet.  I don't know why.  I feel like I'm not stable enough to do it, but at some point i'm gonna have to do.

The nurse aides that came out to visit me were suppose to send me info on a support group in the area so maybe I will look into that.

Deep Breaths.  Deep Breaths.  Deep Breaths.


  1. This made me tear up :(
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this horror. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I never know what to say. I think you're right, you need to talk to someone. Someone who has been through it, someone to encourage you and lift your spirits that has been there themselves. Someone who will assure you that you WILL BE ALRIGHT! You can do it!

    1. Thank you so much for the support. Your right I know I need to talk to someone. I talk to my husband everyday he's such a great support. But I know I need to talk to someone that's been there or going through it.

      Thanks again