Friday, April 19, 2013

10 year survival rates are scary...

Alan and I were going over the statistics tonight about this Breast Cancer mess.  I have a 81% chance to make it to 10 years if I'm understanding this all.  That's if I do the chemo, radiation and hormone therapy which I am.  If you think about it if I only live 10 years I will be 52.  52 that is way to young.  I know my odds are good and i'm going to live till i'm at least 84 right.  Why 84 I have no idea why I just picked a number.  84 sure is a hell of a better number than 52.   

I keep thinking of this clinical trial.  There is the 3 drug combo and the 2 drug combo.  They are trying to see if we can get away with having less poison in our bodies and still be ok with the cancer being gone for the 10 year survival.  If i'm understanding this correctly.  I'm now afraid that if I do get picked I get the 2 drug combo which won't be enough for me.  Why do I think this?  Because I just feel like I got shitty luck in the health department.  I'm not sure I should be gambling with my life right now.  But if I take the 3 drug combo that's the chemo cocktail that Robin Roberts got and got MBA that Leukemia cancer I think.  That 1-3% of women get.   Hmmm again there that's small chances but I just don't know.  Dr. Merediatia said if I didn't do the trial he would recommend for me the 2 drug combo.  

I've got approximately 2 weeks to decide.  I'm going to meet another Breast Cancer specialist at the Cleveland Clinic main campus and one here in Wooster.  I also have to get my wig figured out.  I know it's not a big thing.  But I feel like I should have one.  I want one styled like my hair.  I'm sure I will be wearing hats and bandanas mostly but I might need that wig just in case.  I really don't know if I want to pay the cost for it though.  I mean it's not my fault I got cancer.  Why should I pay that extra cost.  If you don't want to see my bald head then don't look.  Maybe I should just go with that attitude.  I mean when I see someone with a bald head I don't think they are disgusting.  I look at them and feel sadness for them.  Now I look at them and think oh my God that's going to be me!  

I also have to decide if I should shave my head, or cut it really short and then I read women take a lint brush over it daily.  I think I will cut it really short.  I want to be in control.  Plus I don't think I can looking down and seeing my hair falling out.

 I told Olivia and Madison they had to shave their heads too and they said nope but Olivia did say she would cut hers short.  She is such a sweetie.
 Olivia & Me 1999

   She is taking this hard I can tell.  She was tearing up the other day thinking of me not being here.  She's been such a blessing in my life I can't even tell you.  Even though she isn't my biological child she is.  Does that make sense.  I can't even tell that she isn't.  I look at her and she is.  I feel she even looks like me sometimes.  That's even strange because she is Chinese.  Lol.   I feel we have something in common.  She doesn't know her bio family and I didn't have a Dad.  She's lucky though she has us.  She is so lucky she was saved from that orphanage when she was just a baby.  What a wonderful thing Alan and Sandy did!

My Daughter Olivia 2012
Well I have gone on long enough tonight as it's 2:30 in the morning.  I should try to get some rest.  But my mind is wondering tonight.  About that number 52.  I'm really going to make it past that there is no way I have just 10 years left here.  No way.  


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