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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sadness...

is kicking in.  I try to be upbeat and try to think positive each day but sometimes I just get this tidal wave that knocks me over and it drags me out to the middle of the water.  I'm swimming as fast as I can trying to get to the shore and it's just pulling me farther and farther out.  The warm sea water is stinging my eyes and as I try to wipe them to see where I am at i'm just drifting out further and I'm losing my strength.

Tubs?
I use to swim when I was younger, I loved the water.  We used to live at the lake in the summer.  The lake was Long Lake.  It was so much fun.  I loved it when I got older and I could lifeguard and then I had a reason to be there everyday.  It was heaven.  Just feeling the golden sun burning your skin everyday.  Never putting any sunscreen on.  I would never allow my kids to be as foolish like that as I was back then.  I would swim of course when we I wasn't guarding.  There was this barrel and we would have contest on who would stay on there the longest.  It was so much fun.  I got pretty good at if I say so myself.  We ran that park, it was so much fun.  We also would swim the lake back and forth.  My mom always used to tell us there was this huge turtle in there called "Tubs" never did see him.  Would of loved to have!  I met my first official boyfriend there his name was Wayne.  Boy was he a looker.  Teen love brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh at the same time.  How you think of this is it, this is the love of my life.  How foolish we thought we were back then and so innocent.  I remember carving our initials in the tree by the little snack bar.  AS + WM wonder if that tree is still there?  I also remember my Mom painting there odd jobs here and there.  I remember looking over sometime and see her painting that old picnic area and thinking my gosh she must hot.  It was nice when she worked there because we would get to charge food on her bill.  I bet she didn't make much money with us charging on her tab, I don't remember her ever saying anything about it though.

Today I did have the best day with my daughter Olivia.  We went to Walmart, Kohls & Dunhams.  She's such a good helper.  Plus she doesn't ask for this and that.  I would like it if she would like to get some new clothes once in a while but she just likes to wear the same thing over and over.  She did like a new pair of jeans so we did get those.  She hates clothes shopping hates it.  Well I'm not to into it either so maybe she get's that from me.  She is such a good kid, I'm so lucky to be her Mom.  She always just comes up and gives me hugs just out of no where.  She is always wanting me to feel better. Today I tried to explain to her more about what was going to happen and if I did have to have a mastectomy and if that happens what exactly that means.  It means they go in and take off your boobs and tissue and put in expanders.  She gave this look and said that sounds complicated.  lol.

I really want to go to beach and just relax for a few days before my surgery but money being so tight right now with kid needing root canal, college bills, NY trip and all the medical bills flying in right now it just doesn't seem possible.


So right now this is what I can look at and dream about.




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