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Monday, March 4, 2013

Relief...

Tomorrow is finally the day I meet my surgeon.  I guess I'm relieved, maybe more anxious now. The knots are really starting to tighten around my stomach even tighter than they have been for the past week.  I'm hoping I have a great connection with her.  I've been reading you need to have a good connection with your doctor.  I have with all my other doctors so I'm hoping this will be no different.  I'm not exactly sure what all will happen.  I do know they told me to bring our list of questions with us to have answered.  I'm bringing my team of "doctors" my support with me.  My husband - Alan, My daughter - Courtney, My mom - Judy, My mother-in-law - Joyce.  I'm sure they will have their own set of questions also.

 I'm not sure what my questions are but my main one is....I WANT THIS CANCER OUT OF MY BODY WHEN CAN I GET IT OUT?  You see when you hear the word cancer you feel disgusting, you feel like grabbing a knife and cutting the cancer out of your body.  I know I couldn't do that but don't think I haven't had that thought more than once.  You feel like I want it out now because I'm afraid it's spreading, I can picture these little demon heads laughing in there finding it's way in nooks and crannies infecting all other parts of my body.  Is that not the silliest thing?  Silly or not that's just my frame of mind right now.

I've been getting a lot of helpful information lately.  I know a lot of people are surviving Breast Cancer. This is good news not just for me but for the many thousands of woman that are fighting this disease.  I know we have to be close to a cure.  I know I will be learning so much about this in the coming months.

I need to get the gene testing done.  I want to know if I carry the gene so Courtney, Cody and Madison can be diligent in their check ups as they get older.  I hope and pray I don't carry that gene but if I do, we will have to be more determined for us to fight for a cure.  I don't want any of my children to hear those words- You have a mass- You have breast cancer.  Any cancer for that matter!

Cancer just needs to be done away with.  There needs to be a cure for all.  I seen my Aunt Shirley fight with colon cancer.  The chemo was hell on her.  That scares me.  She was so frail, the sores, all of it...But i'm so grateful she did it because I can't for the life of me imagine my life without her in it.  She means everything to me I love her and pray for her that she is always with us.  She has lived with us for years now and I can't imagine her not being with us.  She is cancer free and I want her to stay cancer free.  I know she is sad I have cancer now but I know she is going to fight with me.

Alan is taking me up to Cleveland tonight so we won't have to get up early to make that drive to the doctors early since it's at 9 in the morning.  We will go to the casino tonight, lose money i'm sure.  Try to have a good time.  I really enjoyed playing the poker slot with him just the two of us.  We never spend the time together.  He goes and plays to the poker room and I go to the slots.  I also envied those husbands and wives who would sit side by side and play the slots together.  Alan doesn't like to play those quirky slots.  He always says there is no using your mind in that.  I like that.  lol.  Who actually wants to think.  Not me.  I just want to spin the wheel and hope something hits.  haha.  Who knows maybe I'll be lucky tonight goodness gracious I sure could use some good luck!  LOL  I know one thing I will be looking for anything with pink on the slot machines tonight and play those.  Since pink is now color.

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