Sunday, March 3, 2013

Drag myself...

Out of bed lately.  That's what I feel like I have to do.  I think I'm in a depression state. 

 My Mother-in-law wanted to take us all out to Cheddars my most favorite place to eat yesterday but I just couldn't do it.  I thought I could but just couldn't.  I know in my mind it's good for me to get out but the thought of just going out with a bunch of people ( yeah I know it's just family but still ) and putting on a smile...I just can't do it right now.  

I keep telling myself when I find out the extent of the cancer and the plan then I can feel better.  Will I?I'm starting to have my doubts.  I hope I will I need to for myself, for my husband, for my kids, for those around me.  I have to get it in my head that I'm going to have to fight this horrible disease.  That no one is going to fight it for me that I have to fight it for myself.  

I look at my life and I think you have a damn pretty good life.  Yes you have cancer but you have a been blessed with so much.  I think it's normal for those that have had something shitty happen to them to tend to think of the bad things.  Yeah I had a stroke and now I have Breast Cancer.  I need to stop and think of all the good things in my life.  I have been blessed to birth 3 beautiful amazing great kids.  Who have stayed out of the drug scene, who I must admit are pretty awesome kids.  They have listened to me most of the time, they have done pretty well at school, they are beautiful inside and out.  

I also have been blessed to have 3 step children.  It's not been easy.  Actually it's been hard, not easy, heart breaking at times, if I could of had my way I would of done anything in this world for them to have not of lost their Mom ( to damn cancer )  because I never wanted to take that place.  No one can ever take the place of a child's Mom.  I struggled so much with this.  All I wanted to do was guide them on the right path and I must say I feel like a complete failure in this department.  Alan always has told me that they won't understand it all until they have their own kids.  I hope this is true.  I love them , even though there have been many times I haven't felt loved by them I have loved them.  

My husband is the most awesome greatest man I have ever known in this lifetime.  He is the most patient, compassion man.  He loves like no other, forgives, loves with his whole heart.  When I had my stroke he never left my side, fought for the best care, made me feel the most beautiful when I was heavy and ugly.  He's the best step dad to my children, loved them like their own, helped Courtney like no one can, and he's the father to our Madison Rose.  

I've also been blessed to have a awesome business yep i'm going to promote it.  I'm proud of it.  We started in our basement, and just recently just this past year built a 10,000 sq foot building.  It's big, beautiful, spacious, and we have come a good distance in the 5 years we started.  We had no clue what we were doing when we started.  Most of the time we still don't we are still learning as we go.  I'm thankful for it and I'm still hoping that it will be profitable enough to send our children to college, live nicely and fund Breast Cancer Research.  This has to be my plan in life.  

I've also been blessed to live in a beautiful home, have plenty of food in my belly ( to much at times lol ) enjoy beautiful travels, given our children a nice start in life, provide jobs for people in need ( which brings great great joy to me!) be able to have health care - even though it is highly highly expensive and  really does stink! but still thankful I still have it to cover cancer. 

I'm going to try really hard to try to focus on the good and not the negative and Give it to God.  I know it sounds easy but just the thought of not being here to watch my kids graduate college, high school, get married, have babies, Alan and I renew our vows at 20 somewhere tropical, it stops me right in my tracks...
till next time
Just me Ang-


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