Saturday, March 2, 2013

Dead Calm....

In the house early this morning. Well except for my fans running which my husband hates but has put up with for so long since he loves me so much.  

 Of course Gracie our little Borkie ( half Bichon half Yorkie ) always seems to get me up early when I'm in a sound sleep.  I don't sleep very often but when I do it aggravates me to have to get up.  Luckily during the week Olivia is up at the this time in the morning will leave the dogs out before she leaves for school.  Lily our little Westie well I should say MY Westie would sleep till I get up.  She is the type of dog that is very loyal.  Wherever I am in the house she is right beside me.  Constantly under my feet, near me can't stand it if I'm in the bathroom, anywhere.  Sometimes it drives me nuts but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Of course she is laying beside me now with her bone.  She's getting older now she's going on 9.  She's been through the hell with me with my stroke.  I remember vaguely my Mom bringing me a stuffed animal that was a Westie to the rehab center or the hospital because I missed her so much,  I probably thought she was Lily at some time.  I do for sure remember my Mom sneaking her in and her just laying in the bed with me what a joy and comfort then. 

 I remember just being so lonely and sad every time someone left after visiting.   I'm not sure what was worse the days or the nights.  The days were non stop almost grueling like a boot camp.  They call it acute rehab.  Acute.  Critical Care.  What it means is you don't get any rest.  LOL.  Don't get me wrong.  I owe everything to to the Cleveland Clinic the first time around.  They saved my life.  I had a Carotid artery dissection which means a trauma to the neck which lead to a torn artery which lead to a stroke.  A pretty severe one.   I'm not sure if it would of been so severe if I hadn't went to our local hospital and laid there for almost 3 days and them telling me I had the flu.  Yeah okay, I can't walk, eat, head is spinning out of control.  They refused to give me a MRI because it was a weekend.  Yes it's been since 2005 I'm still slightly pissed about that one.  I remember the Dr. I use that term VERY loosely coming in my hospital room ( at this time it was a full on emergency ) sitting near me looking at me telling me I had this stroke.  It was almost surreal someone telling you that.  Someone telling you your brain is swelling and you brain is bleeding and we need to get you somewhere quickly. ( Quickly we decided the Cleveland Clinic not even a second thought on that one. ) I'm not even sure if I thought I was going to die right then.  As time passed the days,  I did think I was going to die. The  pain was so intense and so unreal in my brain it felt like it was literally going to explode I kid you not.  

I'm putting my life literally again in a team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic again in less than 10 years.  How can that be?  Really now.  I keep asking myself what the heck have I done so terribly wrong that I have to fight for my life 2 times in literally 10 years???  I believe in God so I know I will find out the answer.  

I know I've always wanted to help others in some way.  Alan and I were so lucky to have started our business INKtastic after my stroke.  After my stroke I couldn't walk for awhile till after all the rehab and all.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  My brain was ok I guess.  So I started tinkering on the computer and I liked to design not greatly I might design graphics.  Alan was sooooo patient with me.  I would forget over and over what tool does what.  He never ever got upset with me.  He did the programming and I did some graphics.  I would get a little better each time.  I had the deep hope of one day selling enough onesies, t shirts to live well and to donate to St. Judes.  To find a cure for Cancer. It just would break my heart knowing those children suffering from a horrendous disease and me not being able to do anything about it.  It's so ironic that I was the one that would get Cancer.  So maybe this was in God's plan all along.  I would have a stroke, my husband and I build INKtastic which hopefully we still be profitable some time!!!! and we can help in someway with Breast Cancer.  I don't know sounds looney but I'm gonna believe God has some plan for me.




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