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Saturday, March 30, 2013

3 O'Clock in the morning...

As usual I'm wide awake, the thoughts just keep coming and coming.
Am I doing the right thing? I'm so torn lumpectomy vs masectomy.  I'm upset that I'm 42 and my thoughts are breast cancer.  Breast Cancer keeps me up at night, you think about it during the day, people ask you when your out. How are you doing?  I say oh fine. It's a lie. I'm 42 and I have Breast Cancer. Your not fine.  I look in the mirror I don't feel the same, I look at myself as this sick person. I should be thankful it's not that bad. People tell you oh it's just this small, this and that. But still it's cancer.  They don't know they don't have cancer.  I feel the tears welling up as I type this. Why me?  I still don't get it. How can one have a stroke at 35 and have to fight to live.  Now I'm 42 and I have Breast Cancer I have to fight again. How many fights does one have in a lifetime?  I guessing as many as are needed.  Why me lord?
My Mom brought me a Jesus is calling - Enjoying Peace in his presence. It's a daily journal of devotion. It is supposed to bring me comfort and reassurance.  Maybe I will find the answers here. Or acceptance.
I'm having a hard time accepting I have cancer. It's only been a month and half. I need to give myself time but how much time do we have?
For some reason I don't have a fear of dying. Well let me back track. My fear is for my kids. I know Alan will be ok he's been through losing a spouse before.  My fear is no one welcoming me in Heaven.  Will I have loved ones to greet me that has passed on?  I know I will be welcomed by my Lord but than what?  Do I just float around and be alone?  I have a lot of soul searching.  I need to find a church and get involved.  Then I believe my answers will come.

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