Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wake up- Yes I still have cancer...

I keep waking up everyday hoping this nightmare would go away.  I'm afraid it's not. Sooner or later i'm going to have to come to grips with it.  

When someone tells you have cancer then you start to fret.  Every ache and pain in your body you wonder is that cancer?  Could it already be to late?  What am I going to do if I am one of those that they tell me I have a couple of weeks to to live?  What would I do then?  You hear about "those" stories but that could never happen to you could it. 

 I was one of those that seemed to follow the rules.. I didn't smoke because I got caught when I was a young child and then lied about it to my Aunt Shirley and just remember the look-the sadness in her eyes was enough to do me in for the rest of my life about smoking.  Plus it's a disgusting habit.  I was one of the of those Mom's that would pull up the scary pics of the black lung, and what the horrors of smoking would do and what would come of it if you did- lung cancer. One of those if I ever catch you smoking....kind of Moms because I can't stand it!  I only drank after my divorce phase going through my single phase and now the occasional margarita. Drugs-forget it never even crossed my mind.

 But I was a eater, I figured if I wasn't going to do the real bad stuff I would enjoy some good food.  So I'm a big girl but a really big girl?  I'm not so sure about that. 

So here I am 42, again going through another serious hardship in my life.  Just a few years ago I was fighting for my life at 35 having a stroke a dissection that's where the artery tears in your neck causing a clot.  Mine was due to a fall down the basement stairs and getting some bad advice going to a chiropractor but that is for another entry in itself.  

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

My First Post- Please forgive my grammar mistakes

February 12th my life changed again in a split second as I laid on the table still thinking of the ladies in the waiting room with tears and the fear in their eyes.  I would say a prayer for them worried about them.  Not really having a clue what was going on with me.  Then I see them take out a measuring tape, wondering hmm that's not good.  She says hello very nice lady and she begins the ultrasound.  She begins to say she can't find it again, I'm clueless then she says oh here it is.  I begin to stare at the monitor wondering what is it she is exactly looking for.  Because I know I just had a Mammogram and Ultrasound done at the end of November and everything was A Okay.  She begins to tell me I have a mass.  I have a mass I say.  My heart just stopped, a lump in my throat.  What kind of mass?  Cancer?  She said I'll be honest ( the mammogram tech with me grabs my hand) it doesn't look good, but let's get a biopsy today and find out what we are dealing with.  Biopsy today wait a second I'm thinking.  I was just in with my Dr. she said my discharge was fine and she gave me a breast exam and she said I was ok.  Now I'm looking at cancer?  Biopsy?  So now I'm back in the sitting room with the other ladies with the fear in their eyes and my eyes too.

I go back in to see Dr. Lee and she looks at me and says this wasn't at all what we were expecting.  But we will get a biopsy and see what is going on.   Finally Alan comes in.  She shows us the model and tells us what the shape of my mass is and size and it does seem to be cancer.  They could be wrong but they usually aren't but let's not go there till we find out the biopsy results.  Of course couldn't get in that day had to wait a few days to do the biopsy.  

The biopsy was scheduled for a Friday 15th.  It was uncomfortable and the sound of a staple gun wasn't to fun either.  But we got that done and of course we had to wait over the weekend.  Found out on Tuesday February 19th that it was indeed cancer.  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma the most common kind with a grade of 2-3.  

I then had to have a MRI on February 25th to check both breasts.  That laying down on the table wowza not to comfy on that one either.   I've had many MRI's from my stroke wasn't expecting that one!

So now I wait to see my surgeon on March 5th.  The waiting is the hardest part now.  Waiting to get the plan started.  I'll be glad to know what I'm up against.  

These first few weeks I've been a mental basket case.  I want to know why me, but then again why not me????