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Friday, July 26, 2013

Struggles...

The past 2 days have been miserable, literally wondering how much much more I can take. My body aches, not ache but is in so much pain it hurts to even move. I've been grumpy, irritable, hateful. I've been reading in a book that I'm supposed to find some gratitude in having a breast cancer diagnosis. So today I have to say I'm thankful or my husband, Alan. He is the strongest most loving man I know. He has taken care of me not only through this but through me having a stroke. I watch the pain and sadness in his eyes when I can hardly move, when I'm ready to give up. He is my biggest cheerleader, he told me tonight he loves me to much for me to quit. I know I'm not going to quit and give in to cancer. I want to be here for a long time to spend with him, and the kids and the grand kids and the family that does love me. I hate the way I look now, no hair, pale, fat, bloated. I am grateful that I can get ready quickly now. I do hate all the stares you receive when your finally feel well enough to go out. Then you get the pity stares, but I'am grateful for those that come up and give me their breast cancer story and it reminds me that this isn't going to be forever. I have 2 more chemo treatments 2!!!! That is something to look forward to. I'am looking forward to eating a spinach salad. I'am looking forward to going someplace warm and beautiful when I'm done. I think I have deserved it. Maybe a trip to Mexico, or Hawaii. Who knows. But right now I got 44 days till my last chemo!
Saturday, July 6, 2013

Self Pity...

I wonder how much more poison I can take? The days are getting longer, my body at times feels like it is shutting down. My mind is cloudy, there is a black cloud hovering over me daily. Life feels like it is passing me by. I've had 3 treatments now. This past week I was in the hospital with shortness of breath, looking for a blood clot. All turned out ok. Even with the 15% lower dose it doesn't matter. It still is just as strong. I laid in bed in pure agony this week. My insides feeling like they were getting knifed from every direction imaginable. My bones hurt so bad every little move you could hear a snap, pop. I'm just waiting for something to break or me fall. I'm surprised I haven't fallen. I've been in and out of the tub this week probably at least 30 times looking for a short relief. What the chemo, nuelesta shot does to your bones, the only relief I found was sitting pretty much in a hot, hot tub. Pain killers don't even touch the pain. I'm getting more and more depressed, as the days go by. I see my husband trying his hardest to get me through this but I know it's breaking his heart seeing me in pain like this. he always says what can I do? He's already doing everything. I don't know how he does it. I hope and pray I never have to go through this with any of my love ones because just knowing this pain now I don't even want to think of it. I've got a countdown to my last treatment not counting radiation. The number says 58 today. It sure can't come soon enough. It's been a long journey already. Back in February hearing those words mass-breast cancer-lumpectomy-surgery. One day this journey will be over, and I will be back among the living. I do know one thing I'm forever changed by this and still hope to help others one day
Saturday, June 1, 2013

Day 12...

Today I'm sad. I looked at the wastebasket and my hair that has been coming out is in there. Not enormous amounts just when I run my hands through there are pieces some clumps. It's just thinning. I don't know why this saddens me so much because I knew this was going to happen. Just another sad reminder I'm fighting breast cancer. I don't have breast cancer it was cut out of me now I'm fighting it so it won't come back. There is so much devastation in the world and I'm getting upset about hair. I need to remind myself there could be a lot worse things. Oklahoma has been hit hard. Last night again more tornados how scary that must be for them. The women there going through chemo sick, tired, and they have to worry about bad weather on top of already their mountain they have to climb. The parents that lost their babies in the tornado a few weeks ago. Tomorrow is Cody's graduation. I remember that big ole chunky baby put in my arms seemed like yesterday. He will be heading off to make his own life, traveling his own journey making his way in this world. I hope we gave him a good enough start and the tools to make a difference in this world. I want all my kids to make a difference. Make a difference in a strangers life, help those in need, most of all enjoy their lives because life goes by quickly in a blink of a eye it's over. I know he's been having a rough time as of late, and I wish I could take away his pain but life will carry on and he will be fine. Right now momma has to get better so I can be there to watch him continue to grow into a incredible, honorable man. After I had to get fluids in me, the effects have been tolerable. I'm extremely tired right now, I still am getting the stomach cramps. The nausea has subsided for now I'm still taking my nausea meds to try to stay ahead of it. My bones are achey but not like they were. Right now I feel like I can do the next 5 treatments. Yes the first week is your body trying like mad to fight like hell to get the poison out of your body. My body is probably now thinking damn girl whatever you did don't do it again. Little does it know it will be getting hit in another 9 days. This week I go for my blood work and see how much white blood cells are doing if they are strong enough for round 2. Today all the grad parties are starting, I'm gonna miss Reid's but I don't want to get to tired and weak today because I want to be there for Cody's graduation. Plus I got a new zoom lens can't wait to try that puppy out tomorrow. Hoping we have good weather and it will be outside but it is calling for rain in the morning so hopefully it will hold off for their graduation.
Thursday, May 30, 2013

Day 10...

The sun is shining early this morning, a soft breeze blowing through my dogwood. I see the neighbors yard so impeccable as always. My neighbors are the type of people that work in their yard all the time. It is a labor of love it must be. I often ask Alan if he's going to be one of those men who get out and work in their yard daily when he is retired. No he always says. One day I secretly hope he will because it's hot watching your man work on his yard. He always says " I didn't go to college to get my hands dirty " I guess I can respect that but it would be nice for him to take more pride in our pool and yard. Our yard does look nice but of course we have to pay someone to do it. I haven't seen a pool boy yet I wonder why???? Yesterday I landed up going to the docs which then put me in a comfy blue chair for a couple hours getting much needed fluid in my body. Plus a good doze of zofran straight through my port. I know one thing I am thankful I have the port now because I know them digging in my veins searching for the vein gold most of the time doesn't work out. Of course it feels weird the port and it sticks out like you got a rock in there. But as long as it does it job i'm good with it. So far the port has been doing really well. I'm feeling well so far today and hope it stays that way. Yesterday I was feeling better after the fluids and did well till around 12:30 in the morning and those stomach pains and cramps hit me. My remedy so far is take 2 immodiums and soak in a hot tub. When I get out I take 2 more immodiums and put a heating pad on my stomach. It takes about a hour but then they are "manageable". I knew I was close to be dehydrating yesterday as my lips were brittle and I could't hardly swallow. I know now I need to call and tell them I need some fluids and they do it in another room at the oncology center. One thing that I noticed yesterday. When I would just go for blood work or be there for some other reason I would sit there in my chair and watch people go through "those" doors. The name above it Oncology. I remember seeing people go through "those" doors and feel such sorrow. It would break my heart. I often would wonder how bad does that lady/man have it over and over. Never dreaming in a million years I have to go through "those" doors. I turned around and looked curious to see if someone was watching me and their was. It's only natural. "My weight is still the same. I'm not sure how because over the past 10 days I have eaten very little and it still is the same. I never could lose weight. I know you have to eat to lose but when everything taste like cardboard shit well than it's hard to find something that actually sounds and smells good. Aunt Shirley did make me some scalloped potatoes and I tolerated them fine till around midnight. The taste, and consistency was perfect. Add that on my foods I want to eat least. Better get off of here and see what today holds. I'm feeling well which means not to much laying in our bed or my recliner today as much. Update on my hair- my head is pretty itchy right now, strands are falling out but not clumps yet. I don't have much hair now so I feel like it's going to be ok. I'm going to shave it tomorrow- Cody insists that he wants to do it. I felt weird about that but he said he feels like it is something he has to do so I agreed. I wanted to have hair for his graduation but I'm so worried I'll be sitting there and it start to really fall out and I don't want to embarrass Cody at all so I'm just gonna shave it and start wearing my scarves and hats I got. I see almost every lady doing chemo wearing wigs. I respect that. Even if they don't look like hair they look ok. I am still not going to wear a wig as of right now I might change my mind down the road but as of right now i'm not. I also don't know why my paragraphs are showing. I hate that it's one big blog of writing. Ummm maybe I have a setting wrong I will have to Alan look at it.
Much love to all Ang-
Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Day 8...

The past week has felt like I've been in and out of coma. I've been drifting in and out for days now. If I could sleep the next 5 treatments away I would! Not really but I know one thing is for sure is I hope and pray is works because I don't know if I could do it again. The days are long, I see life outside going on the kids riding their bikes, the lady walking her dog, and here I sit again in my recliner trying to not make any sudden movements for fear of the nausea and stomach cramping coming back. The pain from the shot I was still feeling last night at 3 in the morning back spasms. I didn't wake Alan, when the pain and sickness gets pretty bad I want him to rub my head, it seems to help calm me. Today I ate I actually felt like eating. I've been eating chicken noodle soup, ritz, that McDonald's actually sounded good and it actually stayed down. I really am craving some sweet corn, tomatoes and watermelon. I also would love some scalloped potatoes. Nothing tastes good now everything taste likes metal like chewing on a hard piece of metal and cardboard. Aunt Shirley is gonna make me some potatoes tomorrow thank goodness. Time to get off of here stomach feels like it's going through a meat grinder.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Chemo Rock Star 1 down... 5 to go

Today I packed my little pink bag full of ice and Popsicles. Yes Popsicles. I sucked on them through out my first infusion the Adriamycin the toughest of all 3. My gal pal Betsy gave me a pointer to try this hoping I will avoid the dreaded mouth sores, and thrush. I thought what the heck I am definitely going to try this! What is there to lose? I seen my auntie Shirley go through the mouth sores and I want to avoid this if I can at all cost! But if I do get them it's just another crappy thing I will have to endure. As you sit there for hours thinking about poison going through your body trying to make sure you live a long healthy life is just unreal. I can't even imagine what my blood cells are even thinking right now, I know they are fighting like hell in there because I am already having bouts of queasiness off and on. It's bearable, I've been sucking on my candies like crazy. My mouth is dry tonight. My eyes are starting to feel a little itchy, My ice tea that I love taste funny and I can't hardly stomach to drink it. Alan sent Courtney to the store to get me some things like gateraid, visine eye drops. I started taking steroids and it jumped my sugar to 366, it absolutely terrified me. The Dr. said it was normal it to be high during the 4 days of treatment of the steroids. I hope they don't rocket that high into the sky. Today my support people were Alan and Courtney. Alan rubbed my feet almost the time, it was nice having them both with me. We watched a old Jimmy Stewart movie on turner classics channel. It was funny and comforting to have them both there. I love them both. Tomorrow I get my nuelasta shot that should be fun. I sure hope it's not going to be to bad.

Day 3...

Exhaustion, Queasiness, and that other stuff. I sit here looking out my window sitting on my recliner, my beautiful pink dogwood is now has lost it's blooms and the tree is which was once vibrant and so pink and full of life is now just a tree. A green blah tree. I can't wait to see it bloom again next spring as it will have a lot more meaning to me because of all the countless hours, days I sat here looking out at my tree. It's been a rough week all in all. Just getting my first infusion, neulasta shot, and losing a dear friend all in one week. The chemo will come and go but friends are hard to come by. I think so far I'm tolerating the chemo ok. Of course it's my 3rd day but its been manageable. I know I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't have a good bit of zofran and emend and steroid in me. I'm done with the steroid and emend this cycle and I get to live off zofran and hope it keeps the pukes away. I've been sipping on gaterade as much as I can. I need to drink at least 2 quarts of fluids and I'm way under that so I need to really bump that up. I did eat some mac n cheese today and it actually tasted pretty good. I think my dinner will be broth and pudding and if I can keep that down I will be good today. I've been sleeping off and on, getting as much rest as I can. I do get up in the middle of the night around 3 for a couple hours and then back to sleep. I'm missing Cody's lacrosse game and I just hate it. I hate not being there for him. I feel like a letdown. I'm trying not to get sick because I will be at his graduation! I still can't believe it how is that even possible. Madison came home today and gave me a hug and visited with me for awhile. She doesn't like this. I know she see's my face red and that worries her. Olivia stopped in for a brief moment. I didn't even see Courtney today till she left for Cody's game. I hope the kids don't think I'm a zombie or something. I do want to hear about their days and all. It looks like a storm is brewing. My heart aches for Oklahoma what a horrible tragedy. It just goes to show how suddenly something like a tornado can happen and destroy lives. Also Zach died this week. He was 18 and died from a rare cancer. His song clouds live on forever. I'm not sure if anyone reads this but if you do much love and I hope your having a lovely day.